Dear Atiksh,
Welcome to the ‘growing up’ years! While it may seem overwhelming when you are in the midst of all the arguments or disconnected from your parents, it is very much a normal part of the transition to adulthood.
As we grow older, we start interacting with a much larger world beyond our immediate family, and hence our ideas and views tend to change, and new ideas begin to take shape. We start working on discovering our identity and forming our individuality. This process of self-discovery involves conflict resolution at various levels and issues. One of them is with our parents.
For parents, too, it is a process of discovery as their young child, who would follow their thoughts, is now becoming an individual with his/her own ideas. These ideas may often differ and conflict with their own. The generational gap is real, as the world your parents experienced in their teens or adolescent years is different from the world now. So there would definitely be a learning curve for both parties involved.
Despite that, here are a few things that may help facilitate the conversation –
Knowing that our parents are part of our team. Even if they have different opinions or seem to be in opposition to our view, they would still want our well-being as a priority. This outlook helps to see the concern behind all the arguments and conflicts, and resolve issues calmly.
Talk respectfully. Often in anger, we tend to say harsh words or speak in a loud and unruly manner. At first check, we must see that our manner of communication is calm and respectful when speaking with our parents, so the focus remains on the issue and not the parties involved.
Sharing your perspective. Use statements that begin with ‘I’, such as ‘I feel’ or ‘I think’. These help to take responsibility for your communication and speak for your side of the conversation. Also, it helps to avoid blame on others, which often happens when using statements that begin with ‘You’, like ‘You did not’ or ‘You always do that’, etc. Eg, ‘I think that sometimes my opinion does not matter’ instead of ‘You never listen to my ideas’.
List the non-negotiables for both parties. Listing the non-negotiables for both you and your parents helps to address the elephant in the room. Once that is addressed, often the other things may not matter much, and everyone is looking at the bigger picture.
Listen to their perspective. While expressing ourselves is important, an equally important part of effective communication is to listen to and understand others.
